Hiding flaws and shortcomings is an art. No one wants their worst side showing in a photograph. No one wants a list of everything they've done wrong to accompany their resume'. Why do we try so desperately to hide our "bad stuff"? I do. I stuff my dirty laundry far under my bed...I prefer the good to show and the "bad stuff" to remain hidden...okay, it's confession time...
I am terrified to speak or perform in public...
I hold all of my hurt feelings deep down...
I take on way too much, more than I can possibly accomplish while sane...
I enjoyed hearing and sharing gossip in JH and HS...
I have been to marriage counseling...
I have a 2-3 year attention span for a job before it gets boring, unfulfilling, or unchallenging to me...
I know the pain of losing people I love, losing them to death or desertion...
I avoid people sometimes...
I do not let other people help me even though I am often spread thin helping others...
The United States of America is not my favorite country...
I usually give a bad first-impression...
I do too much for my kids, I enable them...
I think I am good at several things, pride or confidence?...
I often hide chocolate so that I don't have to share.
Do you really know me as well as you thought you knew me? Did your feelings for me or thoughts about me change after reading my list of confessions? It can be a bit of a relief to read someone else's "laundry list" of the "bad stuff"? I think it would make me feel better to read yours. :)
Why do I now choose to confess? Well, it is because I have discovered that there is no purpose to my "bad stuff" if I don't use it in some way, hopefully to help someone else. I am going to try to do just that...use my bad stuff...I hope someone out there will benefit from me doing this. At the very least, it will be good therapy for me. Be encouraged to use your "bad stuff" too; if you don't, what is the point of going through it? I know that everything happens for a reason and that my steps have been ordered by God, so I will go boldly where few have gone before...into my dirty laundry...and, you can come too!
1. I AM TERRIFIED TO SPEAK OR PERFORM IN PUBLIC: As a child, I loathed piano recitals or when my mom "signed me up" to play or sing the offeratory or special music in church. When I was 9 years old, right after my brother Jeremy was born, I remember specifically praying to die before a Christmas piano recital. I prayed every day for 2 weeks, "Lord, let me die before this piano recital. That would make me so happy. Amen." Seriously, I had a problem. When I was the focus of attention, on a stage, or in a situation where the focus of many people was directly on me, I shook from head to toe. My anxiety level was so high that I could often hear my heartbeat resounding in my head. This followed me to high school where I remember crying before every speech I gave in HS Speech class. The first speech I gave was on death, and the teacher wrote on my evaluation that she loved the anticipation I set up by crying as I delivered my opening line, "Death......." She learned quickly that my crying was not some tricky way to mesmerize the audience; it was something I could not control and very painful to watch.
Then came college where I actually chose my profession, Teaching, over Speech Pathology ONLY because I got to choose between Public Speaking or Interpersonal Communications in the teaching course requirements, and the class for the Speech credit was public speaking, no other choice. I can see now that my fear of speaking led me to a career that I love, and I much prefer teaching a class of students rather than one-on-one anyway...it worked out for the best is all I am trying to say. Teaching in a classroom has never caused me anxiety, it seems more interpersonal to me than standing up by myself in front of people. Forget about adding a microphone into the situation...things only get much worse. My fear did not end there; I didn't mature or grow "out of it" later on in life when I "grew up" and aged. I am going to share 2 clear happenings in my life where delivered me from the snare of fear to speak in public...one happened in Romania, and the other happened in Lee's Summit, Missouri.
It was Fall 2003, and I was filling out my checklist of what I was willing to do on an upcoming mission trip to Romania. Pass out medicine...check. Lead or teach in a "kids' club".....check. Administer lotion or toiletries to people in Gypsy villages.....check. Cook, clean, whatever came up....check. Share a verse, testimony, or pray in church.........NO check. Work with teenagers.....check. I sent in my form, that was that. I fully expected that the form was "the law" and actually meant something, or why would the missionary have us take time to fill the form out? The first night we were in a small church in a Romanian Gypsy village called Sarata, the missionary prayed then looked at the team and said, "Chris and Kari, share a word with the people." I wanted to yell at him and say, "No, you are mistaken. I did not mark that box." I stood up with literal fear and trembling and with a VERY shaky voice; I shared a verse and then said something about feeling at home in Romania because the terrain looked like Missouri where I was from in America. I wanted to go home; I remember fuming through that whole service while thinking that I NEVER would've come on this trip if I would've known that the missionary wasn't even going to go by the list of what we would be willing to do on the trip. The reality is that I was speaking in a language that the people in the church didn't even understand, and my interpreter was really doing the talking to the people. And, quite frankly....it really wasn't about me! The funny thing is that when I accepted that I wasn't going to get out of the public speaking in Romania, it actually started to get easier to do. By the end of the 10 days, the missionary would call on other people to speak, and I would actually feel disappointed. The missionary started to give me time limits too; he'd say, "we don't have much time, Kari, so try to keep what you say down to 2-3 minutes." Funny how things work out. I had to go halfway around the world to learn a lesson that I could have avoided learning if I had just stayed home. Going out of my comfort zone allowed me to get out of my box, and that box that I thought was my safe place was actually robbing me of a richer, fuller life.
The second BIG lesson in breaking free from my crippling fear of public speaking was in the summer of 2005 when I was helping out with the children's ministry at Lee's Summit Community Church in Impact (4th-6th grade). The Children's Pastor, David, was going out of town, and the "usual" teachers must not have been available because I was called by the children's ministry assistant and asked if I would teach the whole group (70 kids and 14 adults) the next Sunday. I said "yes" because that is what I do; I usually feel compelled to please people. That week was torture. I was miserable all week. I thought of ways to graciously "get out of it," but nothing came to mind that allow me to still show my face at church in the weeks to come. The Thursday before the big day of teaching...I had reached a place in my head that was desperate. I angrily said to God, "I do a lot of things for You, and this is not something I want to do. Please don't MAKE me do this." The only thing I could do was cry which ultimately led to the submission of my will, my wants, and even my comfort-zone. See, speaking in Romania was one thing because if I started to lose control of my voice or emotions, there was time to pull myself together while the interpreter conveyed the message to the people....speaking in my own church to so many people who knew me was an entirely different thing. We are talking about a full "10" on my fear-factor meter. I wanted to pray to die, but at that point in my life, I was old enough to know better than to wish for that. Deep down, somewhere, I knew that I would live through the experience of speaking in public...but, I was fertilized with fear. So, I finally found myself admitting that I needed God's strength to speak, and I acknowledged that He and I both knew that I would never be about to do it myself. I had to have God's help. After this realization, I felt better, better in the sense that I really did think that things would be okay...not that I was absent of fear. The fear was present that morning when I spoke, yet I can say that I did not lean on myself to get the job done. My attitude was that I wanted to do a good job but that the message was not really mine to give...I was just a mouthpiece, a vessel for words.
The truly interesting thing about speaking in public is that now people do not realize how much I still struggle to do it. Every time I speak, still the fear is present, the trembling just below the surface. I have had some success speaking and teaching in public over the past 7-8 years, but each time when I finish, I quietly say to God, "Thank you for doing that, doing that through me and giving me strength. You are amazing...do you think anyone noticed that I was terrified?"
God can use our "bad stuff," and He wants to. Quit hiding in shame hoping that your dirty laundry stays under your bed...let God wash your dirty laundry with his strength. Use everything, even your "bad stuff" courageously and victoriously!
This is me.....long-winded even when writing....so, I guess this blog entry will be written in several installments! :) I have a few more things on my list of confessions!
Ecclesiastes 12:14, "For God will bring every deed into judgement, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil." NIV
I Peter 5:6-7, "Humble yourselves, therefore, under god's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." NIV
I corinthinans 1:5-6, "For in him you have been enriched in every way- in all your speaking and in all your knowledge- because our testimony about Christ was confirmed in you." NIV
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