Silent Presence

Have you ever had one of those days where you couldn't wait for it to end, but then it never did? That's me right now. I'm beyond tired, but there is an endless supply of things in my head, a never-ending stream of thoughts and feelings and thoughts about my feelings...then feelings about my thoughts, and so on. And here I am.

The only thing I know to do is write, only what's bothering me isn't something I can write about. I pray, and that helps...but it doesn't "fix it." I actually woke my husband from his comatose slumber to help me...but guess what he said? He had the audacity to tell me to hand it over to God. Can you believe that? After years of praying for him to step up his spiritual game...I was semi-appalled when he actually gave me solid Biblical advice. My husband can usually "fix" things for me himself.

So, here I am pecking away at this keyboard wondering if it's worth it to go to bed at all since I need to be up in less than four hours. In college, I would stay up and take a nap after my noon class, but I'm not in college nor am I any longer the age of most college students. I try to sleep, but the kind of peace needed for a calm rest alludes me. Probably because I'm still carrying the burden. What was that my husband said about casting my cares and worries and problems on God? God's bigger than my situation...I believe that, right? But why would he even take my worries? And what are "cares" anyway? I'd settle for feeling numb for a while, long enough to recuperate the strength I'll need to pick my cares and burdens back up tomorrow...because of course I'm going to carry them around again.

My particular burdens might be disappointment, a heart-wrenching sadness, and this empty feeling in the middle of my heart that steals my breath away....but, your cares might be frustration, anger, and physical pain because you actually punched a wall. A guy on the bus could have a completely different set of cares: emotional pain from a broken heart, fear of failure, and wounds from a childhood abandonment. You just never know...

I believe that in the invisible, spiritual realm, our "cares" are visible. The guardian angels must cringe when they're assigned to watch over the guy with three suitcases of "cares" strapped to his back, but even the most put-together person will carry around a pocketful of cares.

So, what did I do? First, I did one of those "open to the Bible and point at a verse" experiments, only I didn't point to a verse. Instead, I pointed to a title or heading within the verses...you'll never guess what it was...I actually laughed out loud. PATIENCE IN SUFFERING. Ugh! The passage of scripture didn't apply to me, but still....come on! Next time "open and point" produced James 5:13, "Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise." I already tried the praying, so I began to focus on the praise part of the verse, and you know what? I actually have something very big to be thankful for...we got an offer on our house today. I hadn't thanked God for that yet because I was too busy crying or thinking about something else or feeling sad. But, as soon as I shifted my focus...I changed almost immediately. Today, I had forgotten to be excited about something I had waited for so long to happen because I was consumed with a form of grief that completely robbed me of my joy. So, yeah! The burden got smaller. It's still there, but when my focus changed...the "care" became lighter to carry. The last "open and point" delivered this verse, "train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." And, that helped too. I did wonder something about that verse though, some information I may get from God someday if I remember to query him about it: "Dear God, it would help me a lot more if You would've left out the old part of the verse and it read: train up a child in the way he should go, and he will not depart from it." But today, the "old part" of the promise is in there as an encouragement I needed to hear. Funny that I hadn't actually pondered a verse I'd read at least a hundred times the way it truly read before this moment.

I put away my Bible, somewhat refreshed. And I could almost fall asleep, so I reread a poem I wrote last night. And the words spoke to me today, almost like God gave them to me yesterday because He knew I needed to hear them today even more than when I wrote them...maybe this poem can help one other person too...


"Silent Presence"

Sometimes there are no words for feelings.
Sometimes feelings are too strong for only one person to carry.
Even so, I am here.
I might be silent, but I'm here.

Sometimes time heals wounds.
Sometimes grace does.
Most wounds do heal though...
With enough proper care and rest.
Patience heals.
Peace heals too.

But, sometimes the healer comes in the form of grief.
What an unlikely salve God has given me to use.
Even so, I am here.
I might be silent, but I'm here.

We're all in this life together, my friends. So, let's practice a little casting today!

A Writer Writes All the Time: Stained Like Glass

I have stories and voices and ideas at work in my head constantly. That's how it feels to be a writer. It might start in a Sunday sermon or on a train ride to Chicago. The thoughts can be an avalanche leading to a whole book or a trickle that ends up as a prayer or a short story in a journal.

A writer writes...all the time. On napkins, on magazine covers, in the notes app on a phone, on a notepad beside the bed (this one's good for recording dreams). I find scraps of paper in the bottom of my purse, post-it notes on cabinet doors, and important thoughts scrawled and left as a bookmark. For me, writing is the easy part. The problem is in the compilation because organizing written material takes the most work. Time is needed, patience too...then add in a supportive family, and I have the ingredients needed to follow one tale to completion. 

My bucket list is a tad shorter now because I recently crossed "write a book" off the list. The singular thought that became Stained Like Glass was birthed in my mind eight years ago, and the book has given words to one of the voices in my head. I don't mean to make myself sound crazy, because I'm probably not...it's just the only way to describe what it feels like to speak words for a person who doesn't actually exist. This is the essence of writing fiction. 

Stained Like Glass is a story about a teenage girl named Kady who experiences a life somewhat typical of a modern era teenager, but her story is universal too. Although Stained Like Glass lies within the YA (young adult) genre, it could also easily fall into several other Fiction categories: contemporary, coming-of-age, Christian, and chick lit.

Stained Like Glass has it all. Mystery. Life-changing Decisions. Loss of friendships. A mysterious pregnancy. Parent/Child Relationships. Choices. A Struggle with Faith. Bullying. Injustice. Even a Little Romance. Kady's journey is told in first person narrative, and minus a glimpse found in a few notes, hers is the only POV (point of view) the reader hears. Stained Like Glass has an uncommon format in that it's Kady's dated memoir where she chronicles her thoughts and feelings as well as the events of her senior year. In the beginning of Kady's last year of high school, we find her heartbroken after her boyfriend's betrayal. Socially, Kady is a popular star athlete, but her life spirals downward when her health fails...when she finds out she's pregnant with no recollection of how she got that way. Then, after ridicule from her friends, judgement from her church, and a shunning from her Christian school, Kady doubts her faith. She feels isolated, heart-broken, and misunderstood. There are so many twists and turns in the book, but things begin to look up for Kady when anonymous letters of encouragement from a mysterious Messenger remind her that she's God's masterpiece.

As I ponder how the book will be received, I have to admit that I really don't know. I promise there will be at least one spot in this book that will push a button for each reader. Stained Like Glass pushes my buttons too. If the book becomes nothing else, it will be a great place from which to launch discussion and healthy debate. The book is told through Kady's lens of Christianity and touches at least briefly on social topics such as music, clothes, profanity, underage drinking, consumption of alcohol in general, premarital sex, adoption, God's sovereignty, date rape, denominations of Christianity, abortion, authentic faith, and homosexuality.

An abundance of emotionally charged moments fill the pages of Stained Like Glass. I seem to cry in a different spot every time I read it. Each memoir entry is titled; some are a few sentences in length while other entries cover several pages. Some of the emotional hurdles Kady faces are impossible...like when she faces the school board members as they expel her or when she finds out her initial prognosis from the doctor. Kady faces tough decisions about her pregnancy, and some of her own family members reject her. Choice and free will are thematic throughout Stained Like Glass, and these themes play out as Kady contemplates God...also when she chooses what to wear, who to have relationships with, and who will adopt her baby. In addition to a minor character's beautiful redemption, Kady herself chooses to forgive the unforgivable wrong done to her.

I personally love Kady's story because there is something new and different to mull over every time the book is read. I suspect more time will be spent thinking about Kady's life than actually reading the words. Stained Like Glass was written to make you think...and to semi-force you to contemplate--if not decide--what it is you believe. 

I hope you enjoy Stained Like Glass, and I look forward to answering questions and fielding commentary about the book. 

Stained Like Glass is available on Amazon in paperback and Kindle (digital copy). If you live near me, I'll personally have copies of the book on September 9th and would love to deliver it to you personally. Just let me know. 

In the near future, I will endeavor to write discussion questions for each chapter which will help those of you who are using Stained Like Glass in your book groups.

Thank you so much for the support! God bless you...Kari

Return to Eden

I'm a thinker. And a feeler. Have you ever taken one of those personality inventories to figure out more about yourself? I've always been hungry for information about myself which is weird in a way because I should be the one who knows myself best, right? Well, I do, but I have to admit there are times when I let myself down like when I forget to put the clothes in the dryer because I was too lost in a book...and times when I amaze myself like when the TV warned "there's tornado activity over Longview Lake...take shelter" but instead of heading to the basement, I head to the porch. We are all different...even identical twins are different.

So...I've spent a while thinking about things, same as everyone else. For someone (me) who doesn't even watch the news, I found my fair share of public service announcements and articles on fb concerning politics, church  burnings, and rainbows. I read them actually, in abundance.

This slant, that angle, his opinion, her plea...and I kept waiting. Waiting for my feelings to kick in. I was thinking about things for sure, but nothing changed for me...nothing was getting me fired up like everyone else seemed to be. My heart went out to the families and communities where God's people were being slain either for their race or religious beliefs...or both, and I join many who pray for the transgressors and murderers to receive what they justly deserve. But the only emotion I felt besides compassion over the past couple weeks was frustration.

Frustration, yes...that's the best word.
Because I'm so tired of the back and forth.

Frustrated when rainbows impose on red and white stripes. And, also frustrated by hateful posts against fellow Americans -protected by the red and white stripes- who found joy in a political victory that was important to them.

Frustrated that the General Lee's flag will be removed (I'm still sort of in love with Bo Duke). And, also frustrated that we still fly a flag to commemorate a time when brother fought against brother.

Frustrated by Christians who judge what we consider to be a "big" sin while spending money they don't have. And, also frustrated that the word "Christian" is becoming synonymous with "bigot."

Frustrated that Christians presume to judge non-Christians in any way. And, also frustrated that people lump all Christians into one category...after they argue that there are "different kinds" of Muslims.

Mostly, I'm tired of being stereotyped...frustrated that harsh, non-loving Christians are part of my assigned persona when I say "I'm a Christian." Because I AM a Christian, one who follows and loves my God desperately...but I'm uniquely different too.

Out of my frustration, some clarity emerged.

Was I fearful when marriage became legal for same-gendered couples? Absolutely not. This is why...I was the same the day after it happened as I was the day before the 5-4 vote. It's simple, people. The calm Spirit of peace within me was the same because God never changes. This is NOT the end of the world, nor is it a utopia of marriage equality.

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Hebrews 13:8

Furthermore, after trying to search for answers within and without, I must admit that I do not have qualms about political marriage equality. Shocker, right? Not really, if you know me. I've never believed that a marriage should be defined politically anyway, and I've been outspoken with a few of you about my belief that the marriage covenant between God and man should not be synonymous with a legal marriage. It's apples and oranges really.

Think about it...in the Garden of Eden, did God have Adam and Eve stand in front of witnesses and sign a paper? No. Their union was NOT a binding legal document that allowed them access to each other's health records and later, custody of Cain and Abel and Seth....what it was...was a promise to God and a promise to each other to help one other through life. Adam and Eve didn't get married in our traditional sense, they made a promise, a covenant, with God.

So, we have two issues here. One, does everyone deserve to marry any adult human being in order to have marriage rights? As an American, yes...because in a political realm...equal rights are afforded to all free subjects within our government. Two, should Christian pastors whose beliefs contradict blessing a union between same-gendered couples be forced to do so? No, they should not...because they too have the American right of religious freedom. Which brings me back to my point that spiritual marriage covenants and legal marriage unions should not be viewed synonymously.

Solution? Churches should return to Eden and to facilitating a covenant between two people who want their union sealed and blessed by God, no paper to sign. And, that settles it. Let legal marriages be done in courthouses. Christians can choose to do both if they want.

Why does this seem so simple to me and yet no one is bringing it up? After all, isn't that the real Christian argument that no one can force God to bless a marriage? God still wants to make marriage covenants with us and our spouse, but then again...it's truly a rare thing to have God in a marriage today...easier to sign a piece of paper and pretend God blesses that.

If anything, all the political changes and turmoil will separate the wheat from the chaff. Because it's not normal to be a Christian anymore. Isn't that the point anyway? To be set apart...so, let's start by thinking as much about what's happening in our world as we feel about it.

God has not changed since Eden, we have.