Gratitude: It's Bigger Than Being Thankful

Being thankful and having gratitude are similar emotional states, but they're different in the depth of feeling connected to the state of being.  "Thankfulness" and "Gratitude" are synonyms in almost every Thesaurus I found, yet we aren't using the words synonymously when we celebrate a holiday in November or write in a "Gratitude Jounal."

Thankfulness or being thankful usually gets a response like, "I'm thankful for my parents" or "I'm thankful for my food."  When called upon to share what we're thankful for, usually we give a pat, rehearsed answer.

Gratitude goes deeper, and it's more profound, in my opinion.  Whether sharing in a journal or listening to Oprah Show reruns, being grateful dares you to go deeper until you remember the specifics and the reasons associated with just simply being thankful.  "I'm grateful for the way my dad read stories to me at night before I fell asleep" or "I'm grateful for all of the times my mom drove me places before I got my driver's license" are the more specific thoughts one might think of when asked what they're grateful for or if someone read the contents of their gratitude journal.

I'm going to ask you to make a list of the top 5 people who have influenced your life positively, and of course, you'll be thankful for those people...but, I ask you to take it a step further and think of all of the reasons you're grateful for their influence.  Ponder on the things they've done to impact your life and write those things on your list too.  Here's my list of the people who shaped me most in my formative years:

1.  My Parents
2.  My Siblings
3.  My Grandparents
4.  Charline Hampson, caregiver
5.  Dan Cockrell, teacher and coach
6.  "Carrie Ann," my friend and neighbor

Now, you can see that I cheat a little because I give 6 instead of 5, and I have 2 parents and 3 siblings on a single line.  You can do this too, cheat like me, if you have a long list of people to be grateful to for the person you are today.  Also, your list can be longer than 5 people.  The longer you've been alive, the longer your list could possibly be.  If my assignment was to have a list of 14...

7.  William Eric Schooley, husband
8.  My children: Belle, Sophie, and Emirson
9.  My students (4 or 5 specifically)
10.  My Friends (4 or 5 specifically)
11.  My Romanians (2 or 3 specifically)
12.  My Koreans: Grace and Austin
13.  Extended Family (4 or 5 specifically)
14.  My colleagues (2 or 3 specifically)

If I listed out each person's name specifically, my list would be pretty long which is a good thing, but you only need to start with 5 people.  Listing out the specific reasons for gratitude can take time and a lot of thought, but it's a worthwhile exercise for your mind and your heart...you can be creative with this part of the exercise.  You can make a list, write a letter, write an essay, make a flow chart, etc.

**Why I have gratitude for Dan Cockrell, teacher and coach, and the influence and impact he used to shape my life:

1.  I appreciate the way Mr. Cockrell coached and mentored me as my volleyball coach, and because of his enthusiasm for the sport, I grew to love every minute I played in high school.  Mr. Cockrell taught me how to play better by showing me what to do, the mechanics of the game, instead of just telling me what to do on the court. I had great confidence in my abilities to play and contribute to my team because I KNEW Mr. Cockrell believed in me.  I wasn't the typical competitor because by nature, I'm not very competitive, but Mr. Cockrell saw that and taught me to care about winning because my teammates were such competitive people.  Making me see that caring about winning because I cared for my teammates was the way Mr. Cockrell led me to reach my fullest potential on the volleyball court.

2.  I am grateful for Mr. Cockrell's love for his family.  Mr. Cockrell wove stories about his wife and kids into our pre-game pep talks, and we felt like he let us into part of his life.  Mr. Cockrell talked about his wife like she's a princess and the greatest person on earth, and myself and the other girls on the team saw something to look for in a future spouse because we all deserved to be someone's princess one day.  Mr. Cockrell brought his family on our volleyball trips, and he put their needs and interests before his own.  His team did a lot of watching whether he knew it or not, and a lot of us saw a family we'd like to have someday.  I'm sure Mr. Cockrell isn't perfect, but from what I saw, he treats his family better than he treated his own self.  I learned that a meek man can be strong and that selflessness is the greatest strength one can possess because it's the strength to control the selfish side of human nature.

3.  Personally, Mr. Cockrell brought me to a closer relationship to God which is one of the best things he blessed my life with.  I learned first hand what Philippians 4:13 means ("I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.") because he started each practice and began each pre-game chat with prayer.  Mr. Cockrell didn't just go through the motions either, he genuinely prayed for us and cared about our teenage girl problems.  He didn't just stop with prayer, we used to sing before games too.  Most of us were also in choir, but no choir or ensemble I've ever heard or sang in ever sounded as beautiful as those pre-game singing sessions.  I can still hear us singing what is now my favorite Psalm, "As the deer panteth for the water, so my soul longeth after thee.  You alone are my heart's desire, and I long to worship thee..."  I catch myself singing it all the time to this day (even now...I just sang it)  :)

4.  As a teacher, I was touched and am grateful for Mr. Cockrell's extreme patience.  He was my teacher for a computer class (before computers were mainstream) on DOS.  To this day, I have no idea how I passed that class.  Everyday, no matter what happened or how many computers crashed, Mr. Cockrell met me and my classmates with a never-ending smile.  His voice, always kind and gracious.  I aspired to be a person and teacher like Mr. Cockrell was to me, one who could touch lives with kindness and graciousness as I teach.

5.  Sometimes, mere words cannot express how a person touches your soul or speaks into your life until you've moved on.  That's how I feel about Mr. Cockrell.  Even though he stood out in the crowd as a person who genuinely loved others and cared for students while I was in school, I could never truly comprehend what he did for me until I became a teacher and had a family for myself.  Mr. Cockrell never won "Teacher of the Year" even though he should've, and he's not famous although everyone should know him...instead, he still serves others and still works in a high school.  I run into Mr. Cockrell on occasion, and he ALWAYS has time for me even if it's just to ask me how I'm doing.  Mr. Cockrell will be rewarded someday, and his reward will be great.

So...that's just an example of what to do after you have your list of people you are truly grateful to for impacting your life positively.  Now, I have one more challenge...LET THEM KNOW how you feel or how their life has touched yours.  My husband's college basketball coach passed away a few years ago, and I remember that he was so grateful for this man's influence on his life...but, when he passed away, it was too late to tell him.  Many days, my husband wishes he would've written a letter just to express his extreme gratitude.  So, start small...start with one person on your list, then move to the rest.  Get into the habit of being full of gratitude instead of just being "thankful" one day or season of the year.

p.s. Your list can go out beyond people your grateful for in your own life, and you could make a list of important influences in your children's lives.  The possibilities are endless once you get started recognizing true, specific gratitude instead of flippantly saying "I'm thankful for my children's teachers."

p.p.s.  Mr. Cockrell is a real person, and everything I say about him is true too.  I'm in this life to practice what I preach, people!  :)

"Acorns in the Dryer" (my first post used as inspiration for this poem)

Acorns in the Dryer

Clanking comes from inside of the automatic dryer
Some sort of hollow thumping gets me wondering 
Usually, it's loose change from pockets unchecked 
Yielding a meager earning for the day’s laundering.

Exciting to find things after the warm spinning stops 
Circling, cycling in the monotonous humming appliance
Interesting what-nots, paperclips and hair barrettes
Useless trash, tissue and candy wrappers in alliance

The noise is, on occasion, an avoidable mess 
A lipgloss container somehow void of the gloss  
After its hot ride leaves reddish-pink splotches 
On white t-shirts and underwear now ready to toss.
  
Wisdom echoes as it tumbles in mid air, heated with potential
Falling from great heights before it settles in on the ground
What is nature’s abundant food becomes a child’s play thing
Something different from the usual but not yet notably profound.

Acorns, the nifty seed nuts that feed rodent squirrels 
During the long months of snow and winter's boredom
Break out of the youngest daughter's newly dry pockets  
Loosely falling out after taking a warm, wild ride to freedom. 

The first potential tree found elicits a line-inducing smile
Across the mouth at the thought of that sweet freckled-face
Such an interesting, whimsical creature who notices everything  
Picking up anything that gives chase to wonder and fascinates.

After a while, piles of acorns gather atop the machine 
Waiting as time slips away from the busy launderer's grace
She plans their return to the meadow one day, someday
But now only questions their absence from the resting place.

The surprise is the panic that comes alive inside the spirit
Sad eyes welling to the point of escape, releasing tears
Generally, the launderer's character doesn't react this way  
Just because some "already misplaced" seedlings disappear.  

Upon searching, the launderer discovers the fleeing acorns 
In the trash, almost buried, and rescues every last one 
Of those capped nuts in the dig and carries them outside,
Flings them into nature's clean air, onto their new grassy home.   

The busy launderer wonders and ponders there on the deck,
Where she stands, "why do I take the time to save them?" 
Leaving them in the trashcan is a viable option for some
To keep the acorns from being forsaken is mercy's gem.

Further thinking concludes, found acorns serve as reminders  
Born of nurturing, brought up with hope, mercy, and love's caress, 
A life pours out, becomes empty, gives the acorns a warm, wild ride  
Through life as they grow in character, knowledge, and kindness.

Three children, all daughters, the potential trees she bears
The oldest is sensitive, quietly brave, and patient beyond belief
The middle, an empathetic child, is strong-willed while justice-filled 
The youngest is a free-spirit and a tender-hearted acorn thief

Encourage the same admiration the youngest feels when she 
So carefully plucks those little nuggets from earth's cool floor 
Wishing to keep them hidden, to hold onto them a little longer
Yet, once tucked into her pocket, the acorns long for the door.

Unavoidable is the responsibility, the mandate clearly shown
Avoid the automatic setting of life and refrain from neglect
Never let them be unimportant, mistaken for crumbs or trash
Notice and watch, follow the rarely trodden path and connect.

Value is given and assigned by the quality and quantity
Unspoken is the rule of time when bestowed with consent
Relationships require this priceless resource for stability
Imparted freely, time becomes a beloved jewel, well-spent

A long talk on a porch swing, a kiss, a story told with voices
A recipe for chicken soup, a letter, or a bright walk in the city
A mutual cry over a broken heart, a picnic, a game of catch
The cost of love falls to the giver, and time is the commodity.

All that is dearly loved, in time, falls away from the launderer
Into the hands of the careful gardener, who attends to the benefits 
Of growth, noting that time possesses incomprehensible value
For truly appreciating acorns before they fall from your pockets. 

Wake up, Parents! It's you who rear your children, not a school.

Over the past two years I've wondered "what's the point of a Christian School."  Over the past 5 months, I've realized that it might not make one bit of difference in my child's life to send them to a Christian school in the high school years if I'm only considering the student body.  Elementary years, I strongly believe in Christian education if that's what you're supposed to do with your family (I also advocate for public or home schooling...whatever's best for your child).  I grew up attending a Christian school minus kindergarten and 8th grade when I attended public school, and I believe that I was shaped positively by the experience.

But, if I'm honest, I was shaped "positively" in order to now be intolerant of judgmental legalism which is technically the environment of the Christian school where I grew up.  I cannot really credit my absence of partying or lack of teenage sexual activity to the school's influence; my mom can have the credit for that.  She was my "holy spirit" for years.  

I attended preschool, 1st-7th grades, and 9th-10th grades at the Christian school that seems to have harmed more students than it helped, to hear them speak now, and there are definitely negative things that happened at this school for me.  The negative aspects of the school I attended most of my years just built character within me, and it's true that mostly I learned how "not to be" there...but I have to admit that I was shaped positively there because the experience of being there ignited a fire within me to change and NOT be like the pretenders I witnessed at that school.  (The Christian school I attended my junior and senior years does not fall into this category because it truly allowed for denominations and individual personalities to attend and judgement wasn't part of the scenario of education there, at least as far as I saw.)  All Christian schools are not equal or even alike.

We're all influenced by our environments whether good or not so good, but it's the people more than an environment who make us who we are.  I have lifelong friends from every place I attended school, and often getting through hard times bond people closer than just hanging out and having fun in good times.

So, perhaps, I should focus not on the school my kids attend but on the quality of job that I'm doing as a parent.  The school can shape, but the parents are the ones given the charge to rear the child.

I realize that this blog has thus far been random, conscious thoughts thrown out there, but let me try to tie it all together...

The Christian school experience I received in my formative years is NOT the Christian school experience my kids receive today.  It used to be that the peer pressure was toward doing the right thing or at least pretending that you wanted to do the right thing, but the tide has shifted away from legalistic rules (which is a good thing) toward a type of grace that goes too far in the other direction. I still want the middle ground between those two extremes where students receive grace when they recognize the wrongdoing and truly turn from it AND where students are held accountable for their actions to an appropriate level.  I feel like Christian schools used to be a place where students who were Christians in faith received an education where Bible class and prayer were included and appreciated.  NOW...my kids have a teacher who curses in class, a Bible teacher who's so prideful that he or she puts down other teachers and students with differing minor denominational differences, fellow students who're on birth control while their parents outspokenly pretend the same child they took to get the pills is saving themselves for marriage, and a colorful spectrum of four letter words being spoken in the hallways, on ballfields, at lockers, and practically everywhere.  What's the point of the Christian school?  Any public school could give my child this same environment, except the students on birth control would actually be honest and not hypocritical, and the Bible teacher wouldn't have a job...but, in my opinion, he or she does more harm than good for the cause of Christ anyway.  So, I guess I might be pondering the idea that a Christian school for a Christian kid is not a better environment than a public school...I just hope it's not a worse environment.  I'm still on the fence after this year.

My children have attended both, public and Christian schools.  At the Christian school my teen girl hasn't been approached by a group of guys grabbing their crotches and asking her if she wants a sample (yes, that happened her freshman year at public school)....but, at the public school, my child was never faced with seeing terrible behavior repetitively swept under the rug by parents because the child was underage when they offended...seems like the punishment needs to fit the crime at some point, especially if the bad, definitely unchristian behaviors happen over and over and over again.  Whoops, did my "judgmental" attitude just come out?  Sorry...   

It just seems like the same old story of "Christians" frantically trying to hide sin or trying to escape natural consequences for their actions.  Getting off easy in this lifetime doesn't carry over into the next, especially if there's no sorrow or broken spirit over the wrong-doing.  

I'm so tired of Christianity being a word that means hypocrites or haters....or pretenders.  I'm a Christian, and what it means to me is that I want a daily relationship with God.  This relationship is possible in this broken world through His Son, and believing in Him restores the relationship so that mankind can commune with their creator.  That's it, plain and simple.  The Bible is not intended to be a "sword" to impale other people with...it's purpose is to help us resist and combat "the dark side" of our own selves and resist a life that isn't God's design for us which is any life without God's love pouring out of us.

Christianity is not...

1.  putting on a good show by following a bunch of rules that may or may not be in the Bible. Serious on this one guys...that 2/4 rock beat did not ever entice me to have premarital sex like the term "rock and roll" suggests it will, and listening to Wayne Watson did not lead me down a path to listen to Megadeath.

2.  proving to others and God that you can deny yourself so much that the actual denying becomes the focus instead of the loving.  Too many people miss their whole lives because they're fixated on avoiding movie theaters so that someone else won't think it's okay to see a porno...the false teaching has led people to focus on other's lives and ignore our own.

3.  pretending to have a Godly life but not being authentic when you're all alone with your own thoughts.  You've heard it...the true you comes out when no one is watching.

4.  talking about how God's in control of your life that you forget to actually live like it.  If you truly believe, God knows if He's not leading your life...it's not like you can actually fool Him.

5.  putting others down because they aren't following the "rules" as closely as you.  Usually, if you're looking at the speck of fault in my eye...you've got a huge thorn tree growing on your head.

6.  praying words into the air for others to hear and never letting the words penetrate your heart where God resides.  How many times have you said "Praise the Lord" but you never actually did or "I'll pray for you" but again...you just say words and actual actions are foreign to you.

7.  sending your kids to a Christian school for a better environment or to get them straightened out.  This is the classic.  The place won't change your kid...parents have the biggest influence on kids.  

8.  letting a Christian school do a parents' job...there is no substitute for a parent guiding their child toward God.  Leading the way for them will do so much more than putting them in a Christian school and feeling the freedom to wipe your hands of their spiritual education.

9.  living differently in any way than you let others perceive your life, you have to be authentic or you're just faking.  Better to be yourself, always.  God knows who you are anyway, and in my experience, He's much more important than people who want me to impress them.

10.  saying you're a Christian but never sticking up for injustice...there are no such things as innocent bystanders.  My pet peeve is hearing someone say, "but I didn't do anything" when they stood by and watched or looked the other way.  If you could do something to stop it or at least speak up for wrong-doing and don't...YOU ARE GUILTY too!  This argument really gets me mad enough to want to punch the self-righteousness right out of you.  (oops, did I write that out loud?)

11.  thinking you're okay with God because you didn't actually do a crime yourself.  God commands Christians to stand up for people who are too weak to stand up for themselves like orphans and widows, and anyone else who's in a situation where they need help...again, if you know about it and don't stop it, you're guilty too.

12.  living life and never having an urge to read the Bible.   That would be like saying I want to dye my hair and never reading the directions of which chemicals to mix or having an engine light on and ignoring it and never looking in the owner's manual to see how to fix the car.  If you never want to read the Bible, there's a reason, and it's that you don't know the One who inspired the Book in the first place. 

13.  living with a lack of respect for God's creation: His world which includes animal life...which includes human life!!!!  Use animals for food and other useful things, but don't cut off animal fins and let them drown in the ocean for sport.  Don't tease people...don't haze people...don't talk about people.  If the person you're saying or doing something to doesn't want it to happen, DON'T DO IT...it's simple, folks. 

14.  your parents' faith...no child gets to see God just because mom or dad was a Christian...the faith is personal.  In case you didn't know, personal means that it's on you...

15.  surrounding yourself with others who claim to be Christians.  An apple in the citrus bowl doesn't become orange juice when it's squeezed.

16.  saying you're a Christian when nothing about your life sets you apart from the rest of the human race.  Just stop claiming to be a Christian, please...you're making the authentic Christians look bad, stupid, hateful, and hypocritical.



Christian schools?  Just pray about it, but know that the statistics for almost everything in this world is the same in or out of a "christian" world: divorce, rape, incest, battered wives, abuse, etc.  I still think the place of education is a personal choice, but I really no longer see a Christian school as a definitively better choice than an education at other institutions.  I'm sad that the Christian school I see doesn't look much different across the student body as other schools, sure...the staff could be different, but not enough to make the impact that parents should be making.  Besides, teachers spend their time on academics, as it should be.   I'm including myself in that because I used to teach at a Christian school.  The high school student body statistically isn't different in private or public schools is my point.

PARENTS WAKE UP...We are LOSING OUR KIDS.  That's on our SHOULDERS, not some school.  YOU STILL HAVE INFLUENCE as long as the kids live with you in your home.  Your job is not to be a BEST BUDDY...PARENTING is more than BRINGING A CUTE BABY INTO THE WORLD...it's EVERYDAY, it's GOOD AND BAD, it's usually HARD WORK, and it's SOMETIMES UGLY TO WATCH.  We cannot give up on this generation!  If you're saying "not my kid," then look again...I said that too and was wrong, and unless we're daily involved...it's everyone's kid that strays.

Show and Tell: Becoming a Parent My Kids Can Actually Follow

Remember the time in elementary school when you got to bring an item in for "show and tell"?  It would've been really awkward to just stand there holding up the item you brought in without ever telling the class why the item merited being shown in the first place, and if you just told about the item without ever getting it out of your backpack to show it to the class...well, that'd be equally awkward and just plain weird.  It takes both showing and telling to get the importance revealed.

Parenting is a lot like "show and tell."  If you only show your kids how to live by leading them everywhere, always walking in front of them leading the way, then your children will have a leader only.  If you only tell your kids how to live by walking with them every step of the way reminding them and telling them which choices to make, then your children will have a counselor only.  Parenting takes both showing and telling...both leadership and guidance.

Here's the thing...I think I might have messed this parenting thing up a bit.  My natural instinct has been to parent with guidance only, walking alongside my children and talking them through the way they live life.  Every move they make, I'm there watching them just like a Police song.  I'm always there around every turn, usually hovering in case they start to fall.  There's a big problem with this strategy...my childen actually never do get to fall, and they also rarely fail.  I'm rearing kids who'll never move on or outgrow me...they'll always need me and be dependent on my approval and advice...is that really what I want for them?  

What outcomes would I like my children to have when they leave my perfect little nest which is actually an illusion that I perpetuate as long as I never step out in front of my kids and actually lead them.  My nest isn't perfect, and it's not really about my goals and outcomes anyway.  What am I so afraid of?  Honestly, I fear that they actually won't want to follow me, so I hide my vulnerability from everyone as I keep walking right by their side...always guiding, never leading.

Well, there's only one solution...I'm going to have to be a parent of leadership instead of only guidance.  Instead of walking my kids through every trial, I need to walk ahead of them SHOWING them the way instead of just telling them about the way as we walk it together.  Then, when I look back and check, I can pick them up when they fall flat on their face instead of always being there to make sure they never fall in the first place.

Kids are going to make mistakes, and if we always walk alongside of them...we'll take their mistakes personally, like their mistakes are a reflection of us because we've made it to be that way.  I cannot really help my kids in this life if I'm so personally attached to their blunders and think that they reflect on me.  If I parent this way, my own reputation becomes the focus, and that leads to making their mistakes into my failure.  What I need to do is get my own life!  And, when I do, I will be able to lead my kids and lay guidance on the side of the path sometimes.

In the end when my job is balanced with showing and telling, I'll be able to rest in my empty nest that's not perfect.  And, I want my kids to be brave enough to take the path they choose which is not necessarily the path a parent would choose as the "most acceptable."  I desire that my kids use their gifts and talents and passions, and my greatest advice to them would be "Don't Waste It" meaning that they have been blessed with a life to live and they need to live it well.  

I don't have every insight into my children's souls, and as much as I hate to admit it, my kids know themselves better than I will ever know them.  What I have to do now is to be brave enough to walk ahead of them...at least a few steps...so that they can learn to make good choices independent of me but also so not too far ahead of them so that they will see an example of someone they can follow...someone who loves them, someone who makes mistakes, falls, but gets back up.  

Lead your children to a life instead of living theirs with them.  

Sometimes, Mac Powell helps me with parenting...

I remember it like it was just yesterday...Sophie, my middle daughter, and I were in the kitchen baking.  Sophie was 2 years old, almost 3...and quite a cute little spitfire!  Sophie knew that she was right all of the time, and honestly, she was always a couple steps ahead of me.  During our cookie making adventure, Sophie had to put in EVERY ingredient herself, seriously...she did.  Making the cookies was taking twice as long as me doing it myself, and I did not care one bit!  I LOVE spending time with my kids, and to keep my sanity about getting things done around the house too, I usually just invite them to join me in whatever I am already doing at the time.

This particular day when Sophie was two, it was chocolate chip cookies.  One thing Sophie "knew better" than me were the lyrics to her favorite Third Day song which was playing over and over and over on the CD player; Sophie belted out, "you are bootiful, my sweep, sweep sog....you are bootiful, my sweep, sweep sog."  No matter how many times I tried to tell Sophie that God is a "sweet, sweet song" and not a "sweep, sweep sog," she sang her version even LOUDER!  When "You are Beautiful, My Sweet, Sweet Song" was written, I know Third Day had NO IDEA that the lyrics would be misinterpreted to stray off topic that much.  The thing is...we STILL talk about that day; Sophie still remembers the day we, just she and I (no big sister) made cookies while we belted out the words with Mac Powell!  

Memories don't have to be perfect to be worthy of remembering.  The cookies took longer to make than usual, and my kid was singing the wrong words to a song....but, it was a perfect memory.

 My Sweet, Sweet Sophie!