Monday, April 30, 2012

Bad Stuff, Take 2...stuffing those feelings! and taking on too much!!

This is the second installment of "Use Everything, Even your Bad Stuff" blog entry, so if you are reading this but haven't read the first entry...go back and browse it so that you understand why in the world I am sharing all of my dirty laundry with you...

2. I Hold All of My Hurt Feelings Deep Down...

The "Sticks and Stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me" childhood rhyme needs revision; it should say: "Sticks and Stones can break my bones, but words will crush my spirit."  We've all been there...someone says something to us purposefully or unintentionally that hurts us, cuts the inside of us.  When this happens to me, I feel the need to always "put the brave face on" instead of saying something.  I am not talking about a horrible confrontation either...I cannot even get myself to say, "that hurt me" or "what you said offended me."  I feel a need to pretend that I am okay in order to not offend the person who offended me.  Wow, talk about messed up!  We need to speak up.  More specifically, I need to speak up for myself.

There will definitely be times when hiding my feelings is necessary, but there will be times when it is necessary to share how I feel even if it is hard to do for a non-confrontational person like me.  

A problem or side affect of hiding my true feelings is that the hurt will come out somewhere; for me, it is usually my family who suffers from me being hurt because I will bring my hurt home where it will lash out on the ones nearest to me.  We will hurt most the ones we love the most.  I remember a time a few years ago when a co-worker said something to me in the morning at work that hurt my feelings.  I do not even remember her exact words, but what I heard was something about her feeling intimidated by me.  The way she said it made me realize that she hadn't meant the comment as a compliment.  I had a terrible day, and I couldn't stop dwelling on her comment.  I was getting ready to leave work, and my oldest daughter stopped me and said, "Mom, please go talk to her and tell her how you feel."  I immediately knew that she was right, but I protested, "Why should I?  She won't change."  My daughter, Belle, looked right into my eyes and said, "because you'll take this home with you, and your family needs you to tell her how she made you feel."  Wow, I knew what I had to do.  I went in to talk to the co-worker and said, "I just wanted to tell you that what you said this morning about me hurt my feelings."  She seemed very startled and started to tear up as she said, "I never meant for you to take it negatively.  I just meant that you are confident and do not ever need the rest of us to help you with anything."  She walked over and hugged me and said, "I am sorry that I hurt you.  I did not mean to."  I accepted her apology and hugged her back and left with a smile on my face instead of the frustration and sadness that I would've been feeling if I hadn't listened to Belle's advice.  Healthy confrontation is the right way to handle things; hiding feelings is seldom the answer.

I tend to distract myself from my hurts...sometimes the distraction is keeping myself super busy...which is the perfect transition for my next confession...

3.  I Take On Way Too Much, More Than I Can Possibly Accomplish While Sane...

Why? Why don't I say "no" to people?  Honestly, I cannot even blame it on people asking me to do things...I go out into the big world getting myself too busy.  It is me; I am to blame....only me.  Women tend to multi-task with competency, and I find myself feeling like I am not productive if I am not doing 2-3 things at once.  Somehow, multi-tasking is my new norm...doing one thing at a time is now not enough.  I push myself to the point of exhaustion...and, I do this on purpose!!!!?  I could say "no" or actually take some time for myself...maybe read a book...or even a book for pleasure!?!?!  Does anyone do that anymore? 

It is to a point where I am doing a quantity of activities, but the quality of what I do is suffering.  I will make dinner, do a load of laundry, grade some papers, plan for the next day, help with home work, let the dog out several times, water the flowers, clean up or straighten up a room......wait......I am at the end of my day, and I haven't even spoken to my husband, or did I?  The next day, I will make a different choice, and after teaching, I will focus on the relationships.  I will have the girls help me make dinner, a dinner where we all sit down together and talk for a solid 30 minutes....then eventually, everyone gets to bed...the emotional side of me is peaceful....BUT...I have to stay up 4 more hours to grade the papers, do a load of laundry because someone has to wear a specific outfit for a school concert, take a shower, take a few seconds to ponder what we'll eat for breakfast the next morning, and all of the other things that I just do in the quiet of the house while my family gets their beauty sleep.  Since I do not get my beauty sleep very often...I am tired and sometimes grouchy on the way to school/work which my kids don't deserve, and it's all because Momma cannot manage her time like she should with the amount of things Momma takes on in her life. 

The truth is that I would LOVE to have more time to read a book for pleasure, lay on a blanket in my backyard and watch the clouds make shapes as they float across my part of the world, watch every one of my own children's games/activities without distractions from other things I need to do.  I have a problem, and I am the only one to blame.  I take on the busyness like it is a challenge...when in reality, the challenge for me would be to treat my life like I am on fire, in danger of burning up from overbooking my life.  I will stop, drop, and roll into my new, better life!!!!!  Stop and take notice of the things that will LAST...people.  Drop all of the excess, really fall into doing things that are my passions, and say "no" to the rest without feeling guilty (that one is the one I need to work on the most).  Finally, Roll into bed for some rest!!!!   

Stay tuned...more confessions coming your way soon!!!!


  1. As a people pleasing person, I totally hear ya. Lately, though, my guilt comes from NOT doing things. For example, I feel so exhausted tired and like a zombie that I do just the minimum to get by on housework, meals, etc. I find myself collapsing onto the bed and reading, then feeling guilty that my house is a bit messy and that it seems like no one else gets to do that. I have been learning to practice giving every negative guilt message that comes into my head a big dose of 'truth'. It's getting more natural for me to be able to say to myself, "That's not true" and correct the negative thought. Now, I'm not sure when I will be able to ever say that out loud to anyone else! Keep writing, girl! I'm enjoying your blog.

    1. Thank you, Janet. I am going to be more like you...I am going to pick out a good book, and even if I read one page a day, I am going to at least pick one to start! I am so conscious of what I show and live out in front of my girls these days...I do not want them to be so busy. Relaxing and resting is Biblical! Doing less will be more challenging than I realize...I will let you know how it goes. :)